SHAME

Hello patrons, who am I kidding we don't make money. Hello readers of the free (as it always should and always will be) internets, and welcome to this steamy edition of Le Cinema Petit. We are really earning our french title with this post as I am reviewing the trailer to a movie that would make Eric Rohmer blush. Not sure if the reference works, but I remember seeing some boobs in Chloe in the Afternoon.

Go ahead I'll wait.

This trailer starts off with a super sexy NC-17 rating on that green screen in which we've all fallen into a comfortable relationship with like it was slapping on lacy lingerie, sex toys, and role playing on an accustomed lover of X amount of years. Then we get the award laurels like they were stories in which the hooker gave the money back. Thats great and all, but the trailer really kicks up its boner rating to eleven with this-

Excuse me as I change my pants.

Michael Fassbender exchanging glances with a sultry stranger on the subway. The stranger gives us the old Sharon Stone Basic Instinct leg cross, sans beave shot, I mean this is just the trailer, and not even the Red Band one either. We move from this sexy subway encounter to a little ritzier setting as Fassbender stares down his next lay. Then...

Scrutinizing eyes will notice that fuck is written on the wall, a subtle allusion.

Ah, you get the point. Fass then rounds off his night with a nice sit down dinner, I mean the man has to keep his energy up. I imagine he's carbo loading on spaghetti like a cross-country runner the night before a meet. Then he lies in his bed grief stricken and guilt laden. But he doesn't let crippling depression get him down as he is out for his morning run. Is this movie about a cross-country runner? Wait that can't be right, they don't get laid that much. Probably some sort of investment banker.

"Oh no, these are just my banker clothes. I wasn't robbing anyone... swear."

Now the trailer is being honest-You paid for the ticket to see Fass' dick, and your gonna see it... alot- showing us a few of many intimate shots of Fass and his lovers amidst the throws of passion.

Or this is a snuff film and I missed something.

Then the trailer introduces its first instance of diegetic audio. The corse and rude shuffling of money, that in this trailer makes you feel like a cheap grifter who can only value human interaction with dollar signs. Using that as a cue I am going to stop teasing this trailer, and start talking about how amazing it is: with it's tragic and poignant tone, its beautifully composed shots that make phenomenal use of New York's natural lighting (I'm a sucker for a little bokeh) as well as masterfully manipulated mood lighting, Fassbender's desperate performance jumping out of the screen at us with out him having to say more than one word, and all this as a haunting rendition of New York, New York plays under it all with Carey Mulligen singing- her voice reaching a quavering chorus that resounds of suffering.

This trailer doesn't yell at you "COME SEE THIS MOVIE!" trying to ensnare you in adventure or plot, but lets you know that when you come to the theater and sit down for this movie, that this is what it will feel like. This trailer seeks not to attract you through teasing, but rather by compressing the feel of the film packaging it for quick digestion. The quotes are all chosen to represent not what this film is about, but what the movie feels like. It is a truly at a masterful level of its form, and yes I understand we are talking about trailers here. However, it is nice to see a trailer that can make one emote, rather than try to hype.

5 Blushing Eric Rohmer's out of 5

-Andrew Carey

The Avengers

We're back again loyal viewers, or more likely newly met stumblers. Either way you found our humble little trailer review blog operating under the name (or nomme in keeping with the french translation) Le Cinema Petit (or The Small Movie Theater for the english inclined), we welcome you to the newest installment (or Post if you want to be a dick about it). As you all know, we love our super hero movies here at the Petit Cinema. And today the mother of all superhero movie trailers was released. You know what it is and if you have seen it yet shame on you, but don't worry I won't tell anyone you haven't seen it. In fact I will distract them as you watch it right here.

Thousands of nerds around the world just had to seek a change for their now soiled under-roos. Okay so i'll throw my name in that hat too. But enough with the communal nerdgasming, lets review this sucker.

The trailer starts out with New York having some trouble with spontaneous combustions occurring in it's streets. Man on top of it's Insomnia the Big Apple never gets a break. There is always some giant Abram's monster, or Super Villain giving it a hard time. Loki has some how dramatically landed in or plan of existence and thinks we are meant to be ruled, but where we come from we don't like governments with a strong centralization of power, so there. But hey he isn't asking so we are aparently pretty much screwed.

Candidate for future ruler of the world

Well don't worry we're ready for this as you can tell by this cool looking facility we are doing a fly over of. Oh wait, so we're not ready for this? what about like the past 5 movies where you said we were getting ready for this? Okay, but now we're getting ready for this? Thanks for clearing that up for us Sam L, and on the walkie so we could all hear.

Honey! Where is my super-suit?

We get a few shots of our trustworthy band of super heros getting together narrated by Sam L telling us that Armies are sooo yesterday. That what we really need is just a hand full of remarkable(super) people (heros) and all those nukes we have be stockpiling don't amount to shit. A shot a Iron Man tearing ass though the New York skyline then segues us to the important question.

Was I in the way of some big question that was to be asked at the end of some kind of moving speech?

"What are you prepared to do?"

We see our heavy hitters arm up and suit up. If you are a marvel fan and those shots didn't get you excited, you might want to check your pulse. Still with us? okay so Tony's got some beef with Cap, and Thor looks worried. This highlights the growing pains of the Avengers as they will probably go from rag tag group to well oiled Super Butt Kicking machine by the end. Cap says some tough guy stuff, Tony gives a smarmy retort, and Thor chuckles.

I feel that this scene is very similar to the relationship between Chris Hemsworth and RDJ.

Then we reach the end of the trailer where we get the cavalcade of action shots ended with a solid oh snap! line form Robert Downy. Then raise the title sequence, and we're out. Oh wait there wasn't enough hulk in the trailer so they tacked on another little scene were RDJ makes a sarcastic remark to Mark Ruffalo. We get a little Hulk, well, Hulking out. Queue the release date, and and now its over. Wait... are you sure Marvel? You sure you don't have another little scene you want to tack on there? Just a little out of place something you want to shove in on the end there? No? Okay then and one of the most anticipated trailers of the year is done.

Just seeing all these guys together is pretty awesome.

I am a big fan of what Marvel is doing here with the Avengers. I think it's just an amazing event in film. The crossovers and spinoffs have been happening in T.V. and film for awhile now, but this is a whole different game with several film franchises being wrapped into one in order to create a huge universe with its own mythos (well recreate). I think this is a very neat experiment, and who knows what it could lead to (hopefully not a Justice League movie). So what I'm trying to say is that I am really looking forward to this movie. That being said this trailer itself did nothing to increase my desire to see it. So it failed in regards of hyping me up for the movie (unlike the trailer for the first Iron Man did), but it was great in terms of fan service; giving us fanboys (and fangirls) a little something to look at until the movie arrives. It is a teaser after all and you could tell by the untactful addition of Hulk at the end of the trailer that it was trying to include fans of all the franchises that are involved in this monster of a film.

3.5 Mark Ruffalos on buffalos out of 5

-Andrew Carey

Beastly

Beastly's trailer might be the most inspiring trailer I have watched for this blog. Not inspiring in a "first time I saw the Social Network" way, inspiring in a "I can't wait to use this as a punchline in jokes" way. Beastly is the tale of a guy who is shockingly open about how good looking he is and how he should be SGA president because of this.

To start these kids go to a high school that vaguely resembles the corporate offices of Comcast.

Spot all the things that don't belong in a high school!

At this point in the trailer we learn a couple things:

1. Hell yeah, we should vote for rich attractive guys.

2. Our main character was given very vain advice by his father.

3. CBS is apparently making films (Can you say "Big Bang Theory the Movie")

4. Someone at some point in time in this movie says the sentence "Steer clear of the witch."

Then Mary-Kate Olson makes an appearance as said witch that should steered clear of. Alas, our main character does not head this advice and the plot of the movie is revealed. Mary-Kate has made our main character "As aggressively unattractive outside as he is inside." And this is where I begin to take beef with Beastly.

Lets do some math. From every line that we have been given from our main character its understood that he is a giant asshole. One might even say aggressively unattractive on the inside. On our Doritos flavor aggressiveness scale he ranks as a Spicy Picante. Pretty aggressive. So one would assume that if this were to take form on the outside it would be horrifying. Well this is what he turns into

"Pretty gruesome huh?" too quote Kyle(the main character). NO! Put a mask on and he is instantly back to his old self. And some people would be into the scars on the face thing(Ex: Seal).

This would be what he should look like:

Instead he just looks like a hot vulnerable dude. Oh wait... that's what he becomes, and so he has been given the task to find someone who will love him in a year or he will look like this FOREVER!!!!! Side note: I would see this movie if he turned into Newman. I would see it twice.

After becoming aggressively unattractive are main character's dad locks him away so the

world can't see him. In this dungeon of ugliness our main character somehow gets a motorcycle.

Nothing kills time quite like a Motorcycle in an apartment.

Then... Neal Patrick Harris! playing the blind tutor that has come because no one can see our character because he is soooooo ugly. He also wears red glasses. Is that a thing? Anyway, we now get to the point where our character finds the girl who "can see better then he does." (Another Mary-Kate gem) So how does our protagonist meet the love interest? He saves her from a mugging, by slapping guns out of peoples hands. These guys seem really bad at mugging.

After he saves her there is a really creepy exchange. The girl says "Why did you bring me here?" Kyle replies "Because you need to be protected." Tip: If someone locks you in their attic and tells you that you're there because you need to be protected and you are not in witness protection, Get the hell out of there! It will never ever end in love...ever. It will end in a Lifetime made for TV murder mystery called She Needed to Be Protected.

All of this is followed by a we are falling love montage then an interaction with the... I honestly can't watch this trailer anymore so I am going to end by posting this picture of Neal Patrick Harris gagging. It's from the trailer to so its topical!

2 aggressively ugly men out 5.

-Micah Russell

Immortals

Well hello boys and girls and welcome to today's installment of Le Cinema Petit! Today's post promises to be action packed and make absolutly no sense as we review the first trailer for Immortals. FROM THE PRODUCERS of 300! Lets get this butt show on the road and take a look at the trailer brought to you by the fine folks at youtube. Youtube, your home for all your non-nude user generated fetish videos. Here it is!

Wow! Let's just jump right into this one. We open on a scene of a hawk flying over... a battle field I guess. ("Why?" "Whatever lets just get to the part where we tell them that its from the producers of 300." "Well, we have to show some parts of the movie." "Fine! Oh use that Micky Rourke shot!" "Sure. Whatever"- Editor and Trailer Director discussion.) So we hop in on Micky Rourke looking as if he just evacuated his large intestines through his mouth in to some sort of greek plater. He then tells us how many bitches and gats he has, and how much money he launders. There is a scene of some lesbians in red dresses holding a seance. My only deduction why this is in here is because it reminded someone, vaguely, of the orgy scene in 300 and they are trying to make as many connections to that movie as they can. Anyway, Blah Blah, Micky Rourke talking, leaving his mark on this world, wearing a stupid hat, slits a woman's throat, shot of a mostly naked man. "Seriously guys we produced 300."

Remember how kookie and zany Cerci was? Well check out this guys hat!

Oh yeah there is something with a lazer bow, but that didn't make sense so I'm going to glean over that. Uh, Oh yeah, okay so someone, I don't know who it is, is telling us that Hea- Hiiiap- Hyperion? is claiming war on all of mankind. Hmmm, isn't it kind of hard to get people to fight on your side if you are at war with all of them? I don't know, I'm not a scientist. I was just telling my friend that he should help me kick his own ass though. Then there is this.

Say what Charles?

Seriously me just throwing that in here is as out of context as it is in the trailer. Back with me folks I know that screen cap is distracting. Okay, title card - Gods can't defend us. Some guy in gold with a flaming whip fighting some other guy in gold wearing a stupid hat, and telling us don't interfere with the affairs of men, fair enough, we're kind of assholes. Title card - A Man Chosen By the Gods.

Whoah, hold up the gravy train, I thought there was a no interference law punishable by a swift whip to the neck in effect. These damn gods need to make up there mind, no wonder no one worships them any more, the shifty buggers. Okay so this hero does some masonry work and gets a golden bow. Like only a man chosen by the gods can heft a sledgehammer to some rocks. Well there you go strip miners, you were obviously chosen by the gods. Your golden bows are in the mail.

I feel like there is something clever to be said here, but my brain is numb at this point from watching this trailer 5 times in a row.

Now old whip-e-mcgee tells some awestruck woman that Theseus is the only one who can lead humanity against Hyperion, "because you know if any of the gods try to interfere I'll whip them in the neck with a flaming whip." Then the trailer gets to what it really wants to get across.

HEY! Remember that movie, this one will be just as good. Promise.

I'm going to take an aside here and talk about how much this trailer/movie is leaning on the success of 300. This trailer makes no attempt to let this movie stand on its own feet. It just throws at us lack luster visuals and references to 300. Its a bit of a shame that this is now becoming a theme, trying to promote films with a sort of sequel effect that is based on, not just directors or studios, but producers. Granted producers today have a great deal of input in films, but the point is the trailer is supposed to get us interested in the film by demonstrating the values of the film itself not of those who made it. Whatever, that was my soapbox. Lets get on with the review.

We see some more of Mickey Rourke and that dumb helmet. Then comes the cliche train as Theseus barks trite lines that were pieced together from every other action film ever, over shots of people fighting and diving out of the sky. The music slows down and we are treated to what someone thinks is the coolest scene ever where Theseus snipes four guys with his laser bow... wait for it... Oh snap they slowed it down! Oh shit! This movie is gonna be awesome! Insert snarky line, and then Title card, and the coolest release date this year.

I usually like to wrap these reviews up with some final thoughts, but I feel that I have put in more effort into this review than this trailer deserves already. Which was very little.

0.5 Snarky ending lines out of 5

-Andrew Carey

Captain America

Hey there folks, welcome to another episode (or post) of Le Cinema Petit. Or if you don't speak French, The Little Petit. Man it has been awhile! I got Hamilton back on board for a second there, and then fell off myself. But I'm back. So lets go ahead and start with the trailer for Captain America: The First Avenger.

You know the drill by now, so let's take a look at the trailer.

Right on. America won the war. Suck it allied effort. But back to the trailer. After the usual green screen of boredom the trailer opens with a phenomenal shot that took me by surprise.

Not a poster.

I came into this trailer completely ready for a- let's just say it- Green Lantern-esque trailer. That trailer was bad yo! This shot alone changed that. When I first saw the "Big Game" spot (You think with how much they shell out for a thirty second spot the could say *removed due to copyright issue*) I didn't much care for the visual style I saw. Its a WWII movie why not take the chance to make this a gritty looking film, much like Batman films take the crime aspect and go with a darker look. This shot told me exactly what the film is going for. It looks so much like an enlist poster form the 40s, the silhouettes with the primary lighting on the recruitment office, and enough american flags to democratize China. This is a high-gloss comic book romanticization as the war would have been portrayed at the time, though comics or newsreels if they were in color. To stop myself from going more into media presentations of war I'll just show this-

Chris Evans did some serious digital weight-loss

A physician barks out the Name "Steve Rogers" and we fade in on Chris Evans looking like a sixteen year-old girl from an anorexia ad. (Note: anorexia is a serious condition, and if you laughed at that last line you're going to hell.) Chris-E (Captain America, AKA Steve Rogers) wants him to "just give me a chance." But the physician (as we all do) knows that war is no place for the scrawny nerds. REJECTED

We get the Paramount (Soon to be replaced by disney on many comic book films *sniffle*) and Marvel logos. Tommy Lee Jones begins to bark a Patton quote at us. By Patton I mean General George S. Patton Jr. Who was the first officer of the WWI US Tank Corp, and the Commanding officer of the Third US Army during WWII. Geez brush up on your history people. Jones' monologue is intercut with Chris-E getting his face beat in and being told he's worthless. Boy are they gonna be wrong.

It's like the universe is even trying to tell him he's too short

Chris-E has made it into a test group to create a super soldier. We know this because T-Lee-Jones has said the words "Super Soldier" pretty much directly into the camera. *Wink Wink* *Nudge Nudge*.

He's trying so hard not to.

And following those two words we get unexplained guns firing and explosions. Now this is what I'm talking about. But we're back to the story telling part of the trailer, Chris-E is getting prepped to be injected with the super soldier serum (Thats is what it is called in the comics, I can only hope they kept the name.) and he wants to know why. A scientist tells us a sort of inverse of the quotable line Uncle Ben tells Peter in Spiderman. (If you don't know off the top of your head just go watch the movie) Then Chris-E is in some sort of metal sarcophagus and T-Lee Jones is gruffing out that "We are going to win this war because we are better than everyone else have the best men" (Note: possible slogan for the gay pride parade; We have the best men.) The scientist tells Mr. Stark (It all connects! Whooo-aaahhh!) to throw the switch.

Paramount: "Hey did you know we're doing an Avengers Movie? No well its gonna be pretty awesome. I mean we're just gonna like have all our super heros form all our movies team up like in the comic books... Ah, have you seen the Thor trailer, or maybe the easter egg scenes form any of our other super hero movies? Yeah we've kind of been subtly hinting at the Avengers movie. Oh you have heard of it. Did you know its going to have all the characters from our super hero movies in it?

Us: We F*#&!%@ get it Paramount!

We see vials drain, lights toggle, sparks fly, steam issues out of tubes, and we get the most badass line of the trailer "And we will personally escort Adolph Hitler to the Gates of Hell." Flash a title card and key heavy music. And Chris-E steps out with pecs like you would see in Dragon Ball Z.

Ladies love Pecs. T-shirt Idea. I said it first. Don't you steal it. Don't you... Damn!

The trailer begins to build intrigue with spies and futuristic submarines, lines of soldiers in dark outfits that never saw the light of day in WWII (because even the nazi party said "Ja I tink de ist too much leather."), T-Lee Jones telling us the enemy is not what we expect, and then reveling Agent Smith from the Matrix!!

Mr. Anderson

And then, oh God!

By the power of Grey Skull!

What was up with that editing. So many black frames! I almost seizured (Note: Epilepsy is a serious condition, for further instruction view note above on Anorexia). And speaking of editing its everyones favorite part of the Trailer, ACTION SHOTS! We get explosions, motorcycle chases, slow motion, and Cap's signature Shield toss.

Okay, I'm gonna say it, I'm pretty excited for this one. Understanding now the visual style, and seeing the Indiana Jones inspired Motorcycle chase, and good old fashioned gun violence. It promises to be a fun comic book inspired summer blockbuster. Will it be better than Iron Man? Of course not, but lets not get crazy here.

As for the trailer it did its job, I have gone from previously dreading this movie because I knew I was going to make myself see it, to being pretty excited about seeing it. I have no real critical breakdown for this one (if I do for any trailer review) but I just know this trailer made me ready to see the film. To quote the last line of the Trailer "I think it Works."

4 Heavy Leathered Nazis out of 5

-Andrew Carey

Priest

Hey there kids, are you ready for another nail-bitting, hair pulling, seat wetting, action packed episode of Le Cinema Petit?

I am going to assume you answered yes. Anywho, Its been awhile since you heard from myself, and hopefully that will be a continuing trend now that Micah and Hamilton are back on board. (APPLAUSE) So for today its back to the action grindstone (as if I would have fun reviewing anything else) with Priest... 3-D. Don't worry this trailer is not a gaggy 3-D trailer, because 3-D was a marketing bastardization, ehem, after thought. Anyway the less dimensions of a priest you encounter the better. So strap in and prepare for this film's confession of its sins.

First its examination of conscience.

The trailer starts with Paul Bettany in some sort of futuristic probing booth where a disembodied robot voice putters out, "initiate confession sequence." Benttany starts his confession like every Catholic school boy knows how with "forgive me father" then follows it up like most of my confessions, "I had the dream again." "About the war." Okay so mine never went that route, but this line along with his buddy being dragged into a dark cave by massive, I don't know - vampire dogs (In the next Twighlight), with his hand slightly out of reach, shows us that this Priest is carrying some baggage. Benttany adds to this "doubts". Meryl Streep also had those.

I would have some doubts too.

The tape skips as who I assume is the pope figure, tries to console the priest, and we see the whole process was a scam. Commentary about religion in the most blatant way possible? We are shown a futuristic dystopia lorded by smog, and loomed over by a tower with with a brite-lite cross. The church, we see, is the lord of the land. "The War is over" we learn, and the Priest have done there job. Which apparently was to waste vampire dogs with wire fu finesse that would make Neo jealous. But, now they are no longer needed. I think Bill Compton disagrees.

Sookie!

So the Church is complacent because the people all have faith in there ability to defend them and Bettany is all like what good is faith when its a lie, because his brother was killed in this vamp attack. Oh Shit! And wait his niece was stolen, un-uh these vamps done screwed up. But, the church is all like BS and there are no vampires.

Well then you, sir, have a rash of sex offenders.

Ok so his bother was killed but now he's talking to him, I don't know if the trailer is out of order or I don't know, he's a vampire or something. The damned dead just don't like to stay dead in vampire movies. But his brother tells him to kick some ass, and Bettney is all about that. But the church wants to cramp his style, but he pretty much gives them the bird while he whispers hoarsely "I have no choice" and busts out of the city on a motor cycle probably blaring a little Whitesnake.

"Here I go again on my own."

Well the church doesn't like this so, his collarness (seriously look at the collar) assembles a crack team of priest to hunt him down. Which there is not much I would assemble a crack team of priests for, other than, I don't know... a doughnut social. But these guys got to bring Bettnay in... wait for it... Dead or Alive!

I don't think she likes the the dead part, I assume she and Bettnay are going to do the horizontal no-no cha-cha at some point in this movie.

So we are now out on this adventure of fun, excitement, daring, intrigue... vampires. Apparently "they" breed a new army. I'm guessing they is the church, because big autocratic organizations are always the bad guys. But the big reveal is his buddy is back.... as a vampire cowboy! Whhaaat!!

Who can apparently orchestrate explosions.

Anyway we are now in the homestretch of the trailer, so you know what time it is? That's right. Action Montage! There are cross shaped throwing stars, punches to the face, pit traps.... tender caressing.... train fights, explosions, shotguns, an asian guy spinning around those things Xena used. Anyway we are being told that we can't miss this flick this summer, JUST LOOK AT THIS ACTION! Anyway then it comes to the last title... IN 3-D. huuugh.

So breaking it down this is a fairly typical trailer. It is completely honest with what we are getting. I do have some issues with it's presentation order, the whole brother dead part. But other than that it's another typical trailer for a typical blockbuster that is as every bit average as this review of it. So, hopefully it will be a good distraction for people who would like this sort of thing, but I don't plan on seeing it based on this trailer.

2 Explosion Conducting Cowboy Vampires out of 5

-Andrew Carey

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

"Death lies before us," says a terribly serious Johnny Depp, followed by a dramatic pause, "as we sail [another dramatic pause] to the fountain of sequels. Erm, youth. I meant the fountain of youth."Yes, friends, Disney has found the greatest treasure of all: the fountain of sequels. I mean, did you see Pirates 3? If that can't kill a franchise, it would seem that the franchise cannot be killed. It is with a heavy heart, dear reader, that I present you with the trailer for the first of what I assume will be several dozen more Pirates movies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KR_9A-cUEJc

Someone mentions something about an expedition and notably, this happens:

Yes, by "this" I mean Penelope Cruz.

"You are Jack Sparrow," suggests a frilly British officer. "There should be a Captain in there somewhere," says Johnny Depp, making a commendable effort to sleepwalk through this role with his eyes open. That guy from the other Pirates movies (the one with the mutton chops) mentions hearing a rumor about Jackie being back in London, looking for the Fountain of Youth. We'retreated to his exquisitely sideburned face, but not before seeing Johnny Depp dragged around by some lobsterbacks.

Johnny Depp looks really bored. That would be good acting, if he were acting.

Old Papa Sparrow warns that the fountain "will test you." Actually, it's not out of the question that Keith Richards has actually found the Fountain of Youth. Seriously, how is that guy not dead? Captain Barbossa explains that the Fountain "is the prize," because maybe some of us are a little bit slow and haven't caught on yet. Or, maybe every piece of dialogue in this movie is directly related to the Fountain of Sequels. Youth, I mean. The Fountain of Youth.

Penelope Cruz does something, it doesn't really matter what. "What's your play, Jack?" asks Barbossa's disembodied voice. "Because, seriously, if you're not interested in the foxy new Latina lady-pirate, I am so busting a move on that."

Let's play a game. It's called Who's Wearing More Eye Makeup?, and it stars Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz. You can play along at home!

I know, I know. This game is too easy.

Jack informs Ms. Cruz that he's taking the ship, which she responds to by shouting in Spanish and stabbing at him through the door. When I first saw this trailer, it was in 3D, and it seemed to foreshadow a multitude of shots where swords, guns and other things are pointed right at the camera. Wow! Look! It comes right out of the screen! I've never seen any other 3D movie do that before! Seriously, though, if you are somehow forced into seeing Pirates 3, you should try to sneak in some booze and take a drink every time someone points a sword right at you. With any luck, you'll get drunk enough that you have no memory of the horrible experience that was Pirates 4.

We hear a quick inventory of all the dangers that will befall our spunky heroes, including:

-mermaids

-zombies

-Blackbeard (for some reason, this shot is really funny to me)

-Blackbeard pointing his sword right at the camera

-cowboys

-robots

-dinosaurs

-This stuff is popular on the internet, right? What else do the kids like these days?

-skateboarding

-rap music

-candy

I made some of those up, but actually fewer than you'd think. Some pirate claims that if he can't get to the fountain, then neither can Johnny Depp, which seems spiteful and uncool to me.

I bet this guy doesn't get invited to many parties. What a douchebag.

Then Johnny Depp screams and another pirate asks "is that it" and Johnny Depp says he thinks so. I'm sorry that sentence isn't very good, I just want to get this part over because I find it really embarrassing for everyone involved. Then Johnny Depp gets his big title card and surfs on some horses (which, I will admit... is actually pretty cool). We see Penelope Cruz fighting some pirates, because this is a movie and of course the hot chick is good at fighting. Fireballs, something, and then Barbossa says, "Are we not kingsmen?" I wanted someone to say, "We are Devo!", but that doesn't happen because A) that is historically inaccurate and B) no one even gets this joke but me.

Sparrow confronts the lady-pirate with his sword, prompting her to ask, "How is it we can never meet without you pointing something at me?" Oh, man. I hope that part's not in 3D.

Then Johnny Depp does some more stuff, but honestly, I'm done with writing about this. The first Pirates was a surprise because Johnny Depp's performance was so bizarre and delightful that it illuminated the whole movie. Now, three sequels later, the joke has gone from funny to stale to almost unbearable. This is the last Pirates movie I'm writing about. I'm not going to cover next year's Pirates vs. Ninjas, no matter what. Now go listen to Devo so you can get more of my jokes.

Rating: 0.0 sequels out of a thousand awful sequels. Ugh.

-Hamilton

(Note: after Andrew Carey's fun-filled, sunshine-ray posts, my angry rants are probably depressing the good readers of this humble trailer review blog. I think at some point I may do the unthinkable and write about a movie I actually think looks good. I know, I know, it's unbelievable, but I actually do like movies, I promise.)