Hey there kids, are you ready for another nail-bitting, hair pulling, seat wetting, action packed episode of Le Cinema Petit?
I am going to assume you answered yes. Anywho, Its been awhile since you heard from myself, and hopefully that will be a continuing trend now that Micah and Hamilton are back on board. (APPLAUSE) So for today its back to the action grindstone (as if I would have fun reviewing anything else) with Priest... 3-D. Don't worry this trailer is not a gaggy 3-D trailer, because 3-D was a marketing bastardization, ehem, after thought. Anyway the less dimensions of a priest you encounter the better. So strap in and prepare for this film's confession of its sins.
The trailer starts with Paul Bettany in some sort of futuristic probing booth where a disembodied robot voice putters out, "initiate confession sequence." Benttany starts his confession like every Catholic school boy knows how with "forgive me father" then follows it up like most of my confessions, "I had the dream again." "About the war." Okay so mine never went that route, but this line along with his buddy being dragged into a dark cave by massive, I don't know - vampire dogs (In the next Twighlight), with his hand slightly out of reach, shows us that this Priest is carrying some baggage. Benttany adds to this "doubts". Meryl Streep also had those.
I would have some doubts too.
The tape skips as who I assume is the pope figure, tries to console the priest, and we see the whole process was a scam. Commentary about religion in the most blatant way possible? We are shown a futuristic dystopia lorded by smog, and loomed over by a tower with with a brite-lite cross. The church, we see, is the lord of the land. "The War is over" we learn, and the Priest have done there job. Which apparently was to waste vampire dogs with wire fu finesse that would make Neo jealous. But, now they are no longer needed. I think Bill Compton disagrees.
Sookie!
So the Church is complacent because the people all have faith in there ability to defend them and Bettany is all like what good is faith when its a lie, because his brother was killed in this vamp attack. Oh Shit! And wait his niece was stolen, un-uh these vamps done screwed up. But, the church is all like BS and there are no vampires.
Well then you, sir, have a rash of sex offenders.
Ok so his bother was killed but now he's talking to him, I don't know if the trailer is out of order or I don't know, he's a vampire or something. The damned dead just don't like to stay dead in vampire movies. But his brother tells him to kick some ass, and Bettney is all about that. But the church wants to cramp his style, but he pretty much gives them the bird while he whispers hoarsely "I have no choice" and busts out of the city on a motor cycle probably blaring a little Whitesnake.
"Here I go again on my own."
Well the church doesn't like this so, his collarness (seriously look at the collar) assembles a crack team of priest to hunt him down. Which there is not much I would assemble a crack team of priests for, other than, I don't know... a doughnut social. But these guys got to bring Bettnay in... wait for it... Dead or Alive!
I don't think she likes the the dead part, I assume she and Bettnay are going to do the horizontal no-no cha-cha at some point in this movie.
So we are now out on this adventure of fun, excitement, daring, intrigue... vampires. Apparently "they" breed a new army. I'm guessing they is the church, because big autocratic organizations are always the bad guys. But the big reveal is his buddy is back.... as a vampire cowboy! Whhaaat!!
Who can apparently orchestrate explosions.
Anyway we are now in the homestretch of the trailer, so you know what time it is? That's right. Action Montage! There are cross shaped throwing stars, punches to the face, pit traps.... tender caressing.... train fights, explosions, shotguns, an asian guy spinning around those things Xena used. Anyway we are being told that we can't miss this flick this summer, JUST LOOK AT THIS ACTION! Anyway then it comes to the last title... IN 3-D. huuugh.
So breaking it down this is a fairly typical trailer. It is completely honest with what we are getting. I do have some issues with it's presentation order, the whole brother dead part. But other than that it's another typical trailer for a typical blockbuster that is as every bit average as this review of it. So, hopefully it will be a good distraction for people who would like this sort of thing, but I don't plan on seeing it based on this trailer.
2 Explosion Conducting Cowboy Vampires out of 5
-Andrew Carey
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