Immortals

Well hello boys and girls and welcome to today's installment of Le Cinema Petit! Today's post promises to be action packed and make absolutly no sense as we review the first trailer for Immortals. FROM THE PRODUCERS of 300! Lets get this butt show on the road and take a look at the trailer brought to you by the fine folks at youtube. Youtube, your home for all your non-nude user generated fetish videos. Here it is!

Wow! Let's just jump right into this one. We open on a scene of a hawk flying over... a battle field I guess. ("Why?" "Whatever lets just get to the part where we tell them that its from the producers of 300." "Well, we have to show some parts of the movie." "Fine! Oh use that Micky Rourke shot!" "Sure. Whatever"- Editor and Trailer Director discussion.) So we hop in on Micky Rourke looking as if he just evacuated his large intestines through his mouth in to some sort of greek plater. He then tells us how many bitches and gats he has, and how much money he launders. There is a scene of some lesbians in red dresses holding a seance. My only deduction why this is in here is because it reminded someone, vaguely, of the orgy scene in 300 and they are trying to make as many connections to that movie as they can. Anyway, Blah Blah, Micky Rourke talking, leaving his mark on this world, wearing a stupid hat, slits a woman's throat, shot of a mostly naked man. "Seriously guys we produced 300."

Remember how kookie and zany Cerci was? Well check out this guys hat!

Oh yeah there is something with a lazer bow, but that didn't make sense so I'm going to glean over that. Uh, Oh yeah, okay so someone, I don't know who it is, is telling us that Hea- Hiiiap- Hyperion? is claiming war on all of mankind. Hmmm, isn't it kind of hard to get people to fight on your side if you are at war with all of them? I don't know, I'm not a scientist. I was just telling my friend that he should help me kick his own ass though. Then there is this.

Say what Charles?

Seriously me just throwing that in here is as out of context as it is in the trailer. Back with me folks I know that screen cap is distracting. Okay, title card - Gods can't defend us. Some guy in gold with a flaming whip fighting some other guy in gold wearing a stupid hat, and telling us don't interfere with the affairs of men, fair enough, we're kind of assholes. Title card - A Man Chosen By the Gods.

Whoah, hold up the gravy train, I thought there was a no interference law punishable by a swift whip to the neck in effect. These damn gods need to make up there mind, no wonder no one worships them any more, the shifty buggers. Okay so this hero does some masonry work and gets a golden bow. Like only a man chosen by the gods can heft a sledgehammer to some rocks. Well there you go strip miners, you were obviously chosen by the gods. Your golden bows are in the mail.

I feel like there is something clever to be said here, but my brain is numb at this point from watching this trailer 5 times in a row.

Now old whip-e-mcgee tells some awestruck woman that Theseus is the only one who can lead humanity against Hyperion, "because you know if any of the gods try to interfere I'll whip them in the neck with a flaming whip." Then the trailer gets to what it really wants to get across.

HEY! Remember that movie, this one will be just as good. Promise.

I'm going to take an aside here and talk about how much this trailer/movie is leaning on the success of 300. This trailer makes no attempt to let this movie stand on its own feet. It just throws at us lack luster visuals and references to 300. Its a bit of a shame that this is now becoming a theme, trying to promote films with a sort of sequel effect that is based on, not just directors or studios, but producers. Granted producers today have a great deal of input in films, but the point is the trailer is supposed to get us interested in the film by demonstrating the values of the film itself not of those who made it. Whatever, that was my soapbox. Lets get on with the review.

We see some more of Mickey Rourke and that dumb helmet. Then comes the cliche train as Theseus barks trite lines that were pieced together from every other action film ever, over shots of people fighting and diving out of the sky. The music slows down and we are treated to what someone thinks is the coolest scene ever where Theseus snipes four guys with his laser bow... wait for it... Oh snap they slowed it down! Oh shit! This movie is gonna be awesome! Insert snarky line, and then Title card, and the coolest release date this year.

I usually like to wrap these reviews up with some final thoughts, but I feel that I have put in more effort into this review than this trailer deserves already. Which was very little.

0.5 Snarky ending lines out of 5

-Andrew Carey