"Death lies before us," says a terribly serious Johnny Depp, followed by a dramatic pause, "as we sail [another dramatic pause] to the fountain of sequels. Erm, youth. I meant the fountain of youth."Yes, friends, Disney has found the greatest treasure of all: the fountain of sequels. I mean, did you see Pirates 3? If that can't kill a franchise, it would seem that the franchise cannot be killed. It is with a heavy heart, dear reader, that I present you with the trailer for the first of what I assume will be several dozen more Pirates movies.
Someone mentions something about an expedition and notably, this happens:
Yes, by "this" I mean Penelope Cruz.
"You are Jack Sparrow," suggests a frilly British officer. "There should be a Captain in there somewhere," says Johnny Depp, making a commendable effort to sleepwalk through this role with his eyes open. That guy from the other Pirates movies (the one with the mutton chops) mentions hearing a rumor about Jackie being back in London, looking for the Fountain of Youth. We'retreated to his exquisitely sideburned face, but not before seeing Johnny Depp dragged around by some lobsterbacks.
Johnny Depp looks really bored. That would be good acting, if he were acting.
Old Papa Sparrow warns that the fountain "will test you." Actually, it's not out of the question that Keith Richards has actually found the Fountain of Youth. Seriously, how is that guy not dead? Captain Barbossa explains that the Fountain "is the prize," because maybe some of us are a little bit slow and haven't caught on yet. Or, maybe every piece of dialogue in this movie is directly related to the Fountain of Sequels. Youth, I mean. The Fountain of Youth.
Penelope Cruz does something, it doesn't really matter what. "What's your play, Jack?" asks Barbossa's disembodied voice. "Because, seriously, if you're not interested in the foxy new Latina lady-pirate, I am so busting a move on that."
Let's play a game. It's called Who's Wearing More Eye Makeup?, and it stars Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz. You can play along at home!
I know, I know. This game is too easy.
Jack informs Ms. Cruz that he's taking the ship, which she responds to by shouting in Spanish and stabbing at him through the door. When I first saw this trailer, it was in 3D, and it seemed to foreshadow a multitude of shots where swords, guns and other things are pointed right at the camera. Wow! Look! It comes right out of the screen! I've never seen any other 3D movie do that before! Seriously, though, if you are somehow forced into seeing Pirates 3, you should try to sneak in some booze and take a drink every time someone points a sword right at you. With any luck, you'll get drunk enough that you have no memory of the horrible experience that was Pirates 4.
We hear a quick inventory of all the dangers that will befall our spunky heroes, including:
-mermaids
-zombies
-Blackbeard (for some reason, this shot is really funny to me)
-Blackbeard pointing his sword right at the camera
-cowboys
-robots
-dinosaurs
-This stuff is popular on the internet, right? What else do the kids like these days?
-skateboarding
-rap music
-candy
I made some of those up, but actually fewer than you'd think. Some pirate claims that if he can't get to the fountain, then neither can Johnny Depp, which seems spiteful and uncool to me.
I bet this guy doesn't get invited to many parties. What a douchebag.Then Johnny Depp screams and another pirate asks "is that it" and Johnny Depp says he thinks so. I'm sorry that sentence isn't very good, I just want to get this part over because I find it really embarrassing for everyone involved. Then Johnny Depp gets his big title card and surfs on some horses (which, I will admit... is actually pretty cool). We see Penelope Cruz fighting some pirates, because this is a movie and of course the hot chick is good at fighting. Fireballs, something, and then Barbossa says, "Are we not kingsmen?" I wanted someone to say, "We are Devo!", but that doesn't happen because A) that is historically inaccurate and B) no one even gets this joke but me.
Sparrow confronts the lady-pirate with his sword, prompting her to ask, "How is it we can never meet without you pointing something at me?" Oh, man. I hope that part's not in 3D.
Then Johnny Depp does some more stuff, but honestly, I'm done with writing about this. The first Pirates was a surprise because Johnny Depp's performance was so bizarre and delightful that it illuminated the whole movie. Now, three sequels later, the joke has gone from funny to stale to almost unbearable. This is the last Pirates movie I'm writing about. I'm not going to cover next year's Pirates vs. Ninjas, no matter what. Now go listen to Devo so you can get more of my jokes.
Rating: 0.0 sequels out of a thousand awful sequels. Ugh.
-Hamilton
(Note: after Andrew Carey's fun-filled, sunshine-ray posts, my angry rants are probably depressing the good readers of this humble trailer review blog. I think at some point I may do the unthinkable and write about a movie I actually think looks good. I know, I know, it's unbelievable, but I actually do like movies, I promise.)
No comments:
Post a Comment