Beastly

Beastly's trailer might be the most inspiring trailer I have watched for this blog. Not inspiring in a "first time I saw the Social Network" way, inspiring in a "I can't wait to use this as a punchline in jokes" way. Beastly is the tale of a guy who is shockingly open about how good looking he is and how he should be SGA president because of this.

To start these kids go to a high school that vaguely resembles the corporate offices of Comcast.

Spot all the things that don't belong in a high school!

At this point in the trailer we learn a couple things:

1. Hell yeah, we should vote for rich attractive guys.

2. Our main character was given very vain advice by his father.

3. CBS is apparently making films (Can you say "Big Bang Theory the Movie")

4. Someone at some point in time in this movie says the sentence "Steer clear of the witch."

Then Mary-Kate Olson makes an appearance as said witch that should steered clear of. Alas, our main character does not head this advice and the plot of the movie is revealed. Mary-Kate has made our main character "As aggressively unattractive outside as he is inside." And this is where I begin to take beef with Beastly.

Lets do some math. From every line that we have been given from our main character its understood that he is a giant asshole. One might even say aggressively unattractive on the inside. On our Doritos flavor aggressiveness scale he ranks as a Spicy Picante. Pretty aggressive. So one would assume that if this were to take form on the outside it would be horrifying. Well this is what he turns into

"Pretty gruesome huh?" too quote Kyle(the main character). NO! Put a mask on and he is instantly back to his old self. And some people would be into the scars on the face thing(Ex: Seal).

This would be what he should look like:

Instead he just looks like a hot vulnerable dude. Oh wait... that's what he becomes, and so he has been given the task to find someone who will love him in a year or he will look like this FOREVER!!!!! Side note: I would see this movie if he turned into Newman. I would see it twice.

After becoming aggressively unattractive are main character's dad locks him away so the

world can't see him. In this dungeon of ugliness our main character somehow gets a motorcycle.

Nothing kills time quite like a Motorcycle in an apartment.

Then... Neal Patrick Harris! playing the blind tutor that has come because no one can see our character because he is soooooo ugly. He also wears red glasses. Is that a thing? Anyway, we now get to the point where our character finds the girl who "can see better then he does." (Another Mary-Kate gem) So how does our protagonist meet the love interest? He saves her from a mugging, by slapping guns out of peoples hands. These guys seem really bad at mugging.

After he saves her there is a really creepy exchange. The girl says "Why did you bring me here?" Kyle replies "Because you need to be protected." Tip: If someone locks you in their attic and tells you that you're there because you need to be protected and you are not in witness protection, Get the hell out of there! It will never ever end in love...ever. It will end in a Lifetime made for TV murder mystery called She Needed to Be Protected.

All of this is followed by a we are falling love montage then an interaction with the... I honestly can't watch this trailer anymore so I am going to end by posting this picture of Neal Patrick Harris gagging. It's from the trailer to so its topical!

2 aggressively ugly men out 5.

-Micah Russell