Killers

Today, on a very special episode of Le Cinema Petit: Killers. Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl star in this hilarious rom-com about serial killers. Wait, what? It's about... oh, no. Okay. I see.

Today, on a very special episode of Le Cinema Petit: Killers. Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl star in this really irritating rom-com about the CIA or something dumb like that.

Here's the stupid trailer.

The trailer starts off with an overprotective father saying some stupid stuff about something no one cares about. "Uhhhgh, I'm not always single and/or alone," moans Katherine Heigl, radiating desperation and generally making everyone uncomfortable.

Cut to: our plucky heroine, holding a bottle of Maalox and being single and/or alone. The elevator doors open to reveal none other than the Kutchmeister himself. "Bonjour," he mutters smarmily, as if someone has just been Punk'd.

There are two kinds of people in the world: people who want to punch Ashton Kutcher right in his face, and people who probably shouldn't be reading this blog.

Cut again, and he's following her in a way that I personally find a little uncomfortable. "I'm Spencer, by the way," he says, as he holds up a Nikon camera and mugs for the audience. (Not really, but I bet it happens at some point in this movie.) "Jen," she says, "it's just Jen no Jennifer no it's Jenny hold on just call me Jen THIS DIALOGUE IS MEANT TO INDICATE THAT I AM UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND YOU." He invites her to get a drink with him, obviously charmed by her social ineptitude and desperation. He then inexplicably jumps into the water.

This shot serves no practical purpose. Sorry.

THE MAN OF HER DREAMS, proclaims an informatory screen. Oh! Okay. Now we're using sentence fragments that tell the audience things that are incredibly obvious. Cool. Are we going to get a screen that tells us that THEY ARE IN LOVE and HE IS A NICE PERSON as well? No? Right. Whatever you say, Killers.

They eat dinner and then the titles strike again. THE LIFE SHE ALWAYS WANTED, it tells us. Turns out Katherine Heigl's dream life is to be wealthy, not have a job, and live in France with Ashton Kutcher. Well, join the club, girlfriend.

But- oh no! Her daddy hasn't promised to be nice to him! (These are actual words from the trailer.) And her mom drinks bloody marys straight out of pitchers! There's a twist coming!

Okay, so I guess the desperation is heredity. Mmm, the sweet taste of giving up.

They start kissing and- wait a minute, her hairstyle has changed once again. Normally, as a heterosexual male, I wouldn't notice this, but I think there are like 18 different Katherine Heigl haircuts in this movie. It's actually a little confusing. I keep thinking "Oh no! He's cheating on her!" and then realize it's her, but now she has a mohawk/Jheri curl/Cher wig/whatever.

THE SECRET... says the titles as HOLD ON IS THAT THE TALKING HEADS

Hold on. Give me a moment. I need to wrap my head around this.

Alright, there's someone crashing through the window, whatever, this is disappointing at best, I can't believe they would besmirch the good name of the Talking Heads like this, this is kind of upsetting.
Oh! There's a fight! He's in the CIA or the FBI! There's a twist! This is the secret he forgot to mention!

I know it looks like this is a screenshot from an awesome movie, but don't be fooled. I'm still writing about Killers.

We find out that Katherine Heigl doesn't know how to use a gun, but she can use her SUV to ram someone's car into some barrels of explosives. Why is this such a common occurrence in videogames and movies? When was the last time you saw an explosive barrel on the side of the street? "Oh, my petroleum, better pour this in a brittle metal barrel and park it right next to the mailbox!" But I digress.

I don't know who decided to take two of America's most irritating celebrities and put them in the same movie, but I hate them. My guess is that there are two ways this movie ends: with Katherine Heigl becoming a secret agent, or with Katherine Heigl getting pregnant and becoming a secret agent. Whatever, I'm going to go write my hilarious rom-com screenplay about serial killers.

Rating: 2 suave, insufferable Ashton Kutchers out of 5.

-Hamilton