THOR

Oh hi internets! On this mystical episode of Le Cinema Petit we will be taking a look at the new(ish) trailer for the movie THOR. Or as I like to call it Fly-e Hammer Thunder God. Anyway, as usual, here is the trailer.

First off, I am a Marvel Fan. However I have never picked up a Thor comic in my life. So, if there are any Thor fans out there reading this and I seem less than intuitive about some aspects of this trailer forgive me.

Okay to start off, the trailer opens with Lightning cracking through the sky. Seemingly obvious choice when it is a movie about the norse god of thunder. We are then panned over a makeshift compound in the rain, a nice little establishing shot. And if you stayed after the credits of Iron Man 2 you will know exactly where we are. Next a canted angle dolly in on Thor handcuffed to a chair beyond a room full of computers, this is one high tech facility.

There hasn't been much improvement in hammer scanning technologies since the 80's

We hear a voice tell us "It's not easy to do what you did," as we see Thor rage on some trained physicians. Funny, last time I checked god vs. doctor wasn't a fair fight. The voice continues "You made my men look like a bunch of minimum wage mall cops"

Eh, mall cops with guns.

Thor shows us some lack luster moves while kicking guys through tarp walls. Can we blame him? I mean he doesn't have his hammer. The voice is revealed to be the lovable S.H.I.E.L.D agent that has shown up in the last 2 Ironman movies. See how they're setting up for the Avengers. Well anyway he is offended and interrogates Thor where he got his training. "Afghanistan? Chechnya?" Thor looks up and gazes angrily.

Do I look like I'm from Afghanistan?

We are shown sweeping shots of the Sci-Fi-esque city-scape (?) that is Valhalla. I'm sure if the norse people saw this they would say, "Huh... I always thought it would look a little different." Any-spray, golden doors are open and we are in the court of Valhalla and Odin is giving Thor a brisk talking to. Thor has done a bad bad thing, I don't know what because the trailer just shows us scenes of him and some buddies walking it out on some trolls' faces. Loki tries to intervene, which is weird because I thought he was supposed to be the bad guy. Odin won't have it and Thor is stripped of his power. Say bye to that hammer and he is cast our of Valhalla. Where he wakes up to this...

Hey, didn't I see you pull feathers out of your back?

I would think that waking up to Natalie Portman would take out a little of the sting of being kicked out of Asgard. Thor however seems to disagree as he grunts "Oh no, this is earth isn't it?" There follows a montage of unintelligible images, a little fighting, some Chris Hemsworth (Thor) without his shirt on and wait is that a giant robot?

Aww man, I have been informed this is just armor... Destroyer Armor.

Over this montage Thor tells us, via a conversation with Ms. Portman, that where he comes from magic and science are one in the same. This gives me a sinking sensation in my stomach that the movie will try and explain that Valhalla is a super advanced civilization. Blarg! The montage continues with some of Loki fighting and more Destroyer armor, and more of this-

That is an adorable T-shirt!

Okay so that last screen cap was just for me. But this image of titular goodness is soon followed by (after the movie title of course) the nut crushing title of-

Ouch my balls!

Blarg! 3-D strikes again. I'm not going to go on my 3-D rant, but I think this movie will use it as much as The Last Airbender did. That's it, that's all I'm saying about 3-D today.

This trailer leaves me thinking that when Paramount found the goose that laid the golden eggs of comic book movies, they lacked the patience to wait for the goose to lay the eggs. So, instead performed frequent egg-C-sections, and that when they found out that you can't get eggs via c-Section went ahead and made Thor. Seriously the only thing I have against the trailer is that it opened and focused half of its time on Thor's encounter with S.H.E.I.L.D instead of focusing on the narrative progression of the movie Thor by itself. This Highlights this obsession with tying the films together for the Avengers rather than focusing on the films themselves. I really think that the Marvel universe coming to life in film is really cool, but are they too busy with that to focus on the films themselves at this point?

But, I'm getting on my soapbox, so I'll just say I plan to see this flick in theaters. However I will not say it is because of the trailer, which seemed to be content with just throwing images of how "cool" it will be up on the screen. With that said I leave you today with a little present. A picture from the nock off version of Thor produced by Asylum, the same people that brought you Transmorphers.

No caption needed.

Oh that is too good!

Thor gets 2 adorable Natalie Portman shirts out of 5

-Andrew Carey