Our trailer begins with some appropiately gothic images;
- Dakota Fanning opening some big ornate doors
- A bunch of vampires dressed like a Hot Topic patron's fashion fantasy
- Dakota Fanning with a wry creepy little smile
- Some dude getting his neck broke (Wait, is that what Dakota Fanning was grinning about? That's super goth.)
Meanwhile, our pale star-crossed lovers discuss vampire laws and secret councils, like the one Dakota Fanning presides over where dudes get their necks broke. Pretty soon, Robert "Paleface" Pattinson is telling Kristen Stewart about how they can't be together because their love is too forbidden. Wasn't that a theme in the first one too? I'm betting The Twilight Saga is going to get a lot of mileage out of this one. "It's like a huge hole has been punched in my chest," says our plucky heroine.
There's nowhere to brood in Forks, Washington. Except against this pickup truck.
Next thing you know, Kristen Stewart is lying in her bed and screaming like some sort of murder victim. As I recall, in the last movie, she had a boyfriend who wanted to suck her blood and who kept breaking into her house to watch her sleep, but now she's freaking out? Whatever.
Sensing an opening with ultra-hottie Robert Pattinson out of the way, a Native American werewolf man-child starts busting his moves on the poor girl, but we see she's not that interested. He just can't brood the way Edward can, our heroine thinks.
Cut, and she's on a motorcycle on an overgrown road. "There's only one way I know to see him," she says, and intentionally wipes out. (This was my favorite part of the trailer, and dear readers, if I said I didn't rewind it a few times for the sheer amusement factor, I would be deceiving you.) Did no one teach her "Safety First"? What kind of sketchy elementary school did she go to, anyway?
Apparently, this dangerous behavior- considered by some psychologists to be a "warning sign"- is inefficient to get her One True Sparkly Love to break his Kristen Stewart boycott, so she promptly goes and throws herself off a cliff into some water.
Sensing an opening with ultra-hottie Robert Pattinson out of the way, a Native American werewolf man-child starts busting his moves on the poor girl, but we see she's not that interested. He just can't brood the way Edward can, our heroine thinks.
Cut, and she's on a motorcycle on an overgrown road. "There's only one way I know to see him," she says, and intentionally wipes out. (This was my favorite part of the trailer, and dear readers, if I said I didn't rewind it a few times for the sheer amusement factor, I would be deceiving you.) Did no one teach her "Safety First"? What kind of sketchy elementary school did she go to, anyway?
Apparently, this dangerous behavior- considered by some psychologists to be a "warning sign"- is inefficient to get her One True Sparkly Love to break his Kristen Stewart boycott, so she promptly goes and throws herself off a cliff into some water.
In addition to super strength and immortality, vampires possess the ability to float upside down.
She sees her beloved vampire boyfriend, but lo, as a mysterious arm comes to her rescue, he is revealed to be an illusion. What a drag! And who should be her savior faire but the werewolf man-child, now sporting a strapping haircut? Maybe our heroine should re-consider her dedication to her estranged bloodsucker boyfriend.
OH NO PLOT TWIST Edward thinks his girlfriend is dead and decides, in a move totally stolen straight from Romeo and Juliet, to kill himself too. Except the way he's going to do it involves the secret Dakota Fanning vampire council. "I have to go," mutters Bella very convincingly. Next thing you know, Edward's gettin' all shirtless and walking into some a courtyard filled what I can only presume is some sort of convention of red cloak enthusiasts.
Here come a series of quick shots, set to music that is sweeping, epic, and appropiately forboding;
OH NO PLOT TWIST Edward thinks his girlfriend is dead and decides, in a move totally stolen straight from Romeo and Juliet, to kill himself too. Except the way he's going to do it involves the secret Dakota Fanning vampire council. "I have to go," mutters Bella very convincingly. Next thing you know, Edward's gettin' all shirtless and walking into some a courtyard filled what I can only presume is some sort of convention of red cloak enthusiasts.
Here come a series of quick shots, set to music that is sweeping, epic, and appropiately forboding;
- Shirtless werewolf man-child (It's like this movie is being marketed to 14-year-old girls or something...)
- Someone falling out of a tree behind a mustachioed police officer
- A black guy with dreads fighting some CGI werewolves
- A midnight ride on a motorcycle
- Somebody throwing somebody else
- People carrying what I'm betting is the vampire pope
- And my favorite: THE WOLF PACK!
Either these guys are a werewolf gang, or this is the gayest nature retreat ever.
Cue the title card. "This may hurt just a little," says gothed-out Dakota Fanning. Kristen Stewart precedes to freak out, but with good reason- someone is apparently going to pick up her Edward and slam him up against some marble stairs.
11.20.09, the trailer informs us, before slinking off to listen to Depeche Mode and post on its' LiveJournal. I, for one, can't wait.
Rating:
3.5 brooding vampires out of ten
-Hamilton Henson
11.20.09, the trailer informs us, before slinking off to listen to Depeche Mode and post on its' LiveJournal. I, for one, can't wait.
Rating:
3.5 brooding vampires out of ten
-Hamilton Henson
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